The Longest Distance

welcome to Barefaced Living

I was recently on a C-suite Zoom call with five talented female executives. We were discussing how to have fun. It may seem surprising that high-level, pressed-for-time executives would devote part of a call to fun, but fun, especially when accompanied by laughter, relieves stress. And the need for stress relief in the C-suite is akin to the need for oxygen during a marathon. Pickleball and cooking, along with several other predictable sidelines were mentioned. But when the question came round to me, I remarked that I could have fun most anywhere, as long as I could be myself.

Over the past couple of years, I have come to realize how valuable that distinction has become to me. Outsiders noticed my difference first. My nephews told me I laughed and smiled more. I took notice of the ease with which I walked into a room full of strangers, and the spontaneity with which I offered opinions or answered questions. My guard was not down. My guard was gone.

I am a former global president at the Estée Lauder Companies. When I retired, I promised myself that I would slow down, read more, relax more, maybe even write about my life. I did. I also did a deep reflection on my life so far. It was in that replay that I discovered a lot about myself and about my journey. One insight led to another. As a result, I started to change in tiny indecipherable ways. But like many evolutions, a tipping point arrived.  

Joee Wong for Kylee Yee Photography

My late-in-life wedding day (not my first, by the way; I was widowed long before) was the happiest day of my life. Those close to me pinpointed my newfound happiness to that day and to all the romantic events that had led up to it. While the relationship I have with the love of my life at 70-plus years old is the most precious aspect of my current life, it alone did not change me in such a profound way. I have never had a companion with whom I share so many of the same things. We read together, we exercise together, and our days seem to tick away at the same pace. If I could give only one gift to the special people in my life, I would give them a soulmate. It seems natural to want to bestow the gift as early in life as possible, but time and circumstance are part of the match as well. I am not sure my husband and I would have been soulmates 30 years ago. We live, we change, we grow. My husband and I are the perfect match right here, right now.

So while soulmate living obviously allows our genuine selves to flourish, I believe other changes happened along the way.

Ask those who know me, and they will tell you I have always been a transparent, straightforward person. I always aspired to remain solid stock from the heartland of America. I was raised on a farm in the Show Me state of Missouri. When my older sister sent me off to interview for my entry level position in New York City, she told me to be myself.

“If they don’t like you for who you are, it won’t work anyway.”

So, I faced the interview with a smile and an affirmation of my provenance. The interviewers appreciated my honesty, and my potential. They hired me that day.

“Say what you think” has been a lifelong trademark for me. That quote, spoken by me during an interview, appeared on an industry magazine cover at the peak of my career.

The Barefaced Living lifestyle that I have adopted, named, and will write about in this column has little to do with the candor or honesty with which I have interacted with the world.

Barefaced Living has everything to with how I interact with myself. It is about the way I monitor, edit, and judge my own speech, feelings, and actions. 

In Barefaced Living, your inside matches your outside.

In the book, The Untethered Soul, Michael Singer describes the voice that continually chatters away in our mind.

That voice monitors our every move, thought and emotion. I should do this now, but I think I will wait and do it later. I shouldn’t feel this way; how do I make myself feel the way I am supposed to feel? I shouldn’t have said that; they thought it was stupid. Or we finish a conversation and we regret that we didn’t make the smart or witty comment when we had the chance. Or when a deal goes wrong, we question ourselves unmercifully, even though influences outside our control were responsible for the failure.

Meanwhile, the outside persona is still the cool, calm executive or person who has it all together.

The inside chirping never stops. Combine it with a few discouraging events and it can make us feel insufficient, like we are not enough. Consistently feeling like we aren’t enough, while still presenting a polished demeanor on the outside, makes us tired and discouraged.

So, how do we balance the two sides?

I began to live a Barefaced Life by becoming aware of the moments when that little voice in my head would not stop babbling. I paid attention to who or what energized the little friend. Mindfulness was enough in the beginning.

I next took note of the stillness that ensued when my little chatterbox shut up. That time is often when we are in the flow. It’s when the countdown of time disappears. Creativity and joy gush through us, while energizer cell packs push us way past the need for rest. That space is where we do our best work. It is where our friends, family, and employees do their best work, and have their most pleasure. Most everyone thrives in the warm glow of that zone.  

We’ve all felt it.

With the recognition of the flow, I practiced it. It’s like a follow-through swing on the tennis court. When we perceive that we have achieved it, we strive to remember the sensation, so that we can replicate and sustain it throughout our game.

We soon discover that when body, mind, and heart are synchronized we have a success.

Enough swing practice and a tennis game changes. Enough mind practice and a life changes.

Somewhere I read that the 18-inch journey from head to heart is the longest distance most of us travel, but once the journey is mapped and complete, we discover our true selves. From there, an invisible thread, perhaps the soul, forever connects the two. They dance seamlessly together to most any song.

It took seven decades for me to quiet the gabber. Maybe I can offer stories that help you muffle the noise and live a more joyful life sooner.

On Substack, I’ll be publishing a monthly column about my own Barefaced Living discoveries, on themes that include mentorship, love, celebration, and of course, new beginnings. 

Subscribe and you’ll receive the first issue in the new year.

In 2024, I hope to greatly enhance flow time and joy, while listening to a good deal less mind chatter. If that concept intrigues you, please leave a comment so I know you’re with me!